Sunday, March 06, 2011

Resolution

Lying awake for hours at a time in back pain AND having night sweats is a time I do most of my thinking.  Thankfully my insomnia seems not to disturb the others sleeping in my bed.  Larry gives an occasional snort in his sleep, and Shiva, his cat, purrs when my hand accidentally touches his back.

Often I can get back to sleep, but tonight is one of those times when the only thing I can do is get up, move around, go to the freezer and pour a schluck of vodka at 4:30 in the morning, hoping that it will enable me to get back to sleep.  I am thankful that it is not a school night, as this option would not be available to me if it was.  Hopefully I will go back to bed and sleep in as long as I need to.

There have been a lot of minor earthquakes recently in my life.  A close relative has tipped over the edge, leaving her family (me and my brothers/sisters and cousins) with having to find a safe place for her to live, and an estate, properties, and four storage units of three generations full of "stuff" to deal with. My school had a fire in the classroom next to mine, causing major smoke damage to my room.  Last week I was given short notice to get out 20 years of art supplies out, and I am scrambling to decide what to keep, what to throw out, and living in another classroom full of chaos.  Rumors are flying around about the school I work for...and whether or not we will all have jobs.  I have 19 years in...and am 53.  I pray for just one more year so that I can at least make 20 years...and hope for a buyout.....so I can leave with some decent retirement..as my husband has none.

Somehow in this madness,  to sooth my psyche, I make art, I write, and try to have the appearances of a sane woman.  And in the tossing and turning of the night, I have come to a place of peace and resolution.  I will find a home for what I have not used in the last 5 years in my art room and for the remainder of my time teaching, whatever that is, I will keep it simple.  And if I lose my job, I will deal with it then. In the meantime, I will keep reinventing myself along the way, promoting my art, making a name, and get ready to segue into the next phase of my life.

And my goal, no matter what happens, is to do it all with panache, style, and passion.

1 comment:

Jane Schott said...

Patti, I am sorry for all the insanity in your life right now...I am also going through a drastic change and know exactly how frantic one can get in the middle of the night wondering how did this come to be.
I am not going to give you any words of wisdom, cute sayings or bible verses.
Just know that this crap happens to us all and at least through your artwork you can claim your own sense of self for a moment.