Yesterday was my first day out and about in a very long time. I felt well enough to bounce around a few counties, and even in the right head for shopping, which is a rarity for me.
I don't know when I lost the taste for shopping, but I suspect it was around the same time I lost taste for preparing elaborate meals every evening. Or preparing any meals for that matter. My shopping patience wore out somewhere in the middle of aisle 14, with two kids singing "daylight come and we wanna go home" and my son wearing a bra upon his head. Once I even left an entire shopping cart in the middle of the store before I hauled their ornery little asses home, and stuffed them in a bedroom far away from me, with visions of Hansel and Gretal dancing in my head.
I had not planned to shop, it was my girlfriend's sneaky trick. Oh, let's stop in THIS store -the Ameribag store, with shoes that I fell in love with. A half an hour later, and 60.00 lighter (oh but a great sale at 60% off) I walked out with a pair of "hip" orthopedic shoes made in Denmark, that feel like I am walking on air.
Then it was Bed, Bath and Beyond. I saw wine charms on sale, and bought a set for myself and one for my sister in law. I was a bit disappointed in some of them as the glass on three out of six of the set were so similar in color value, that after a few glasses of wine, I would never remember if I had a pink, flesh, or mauve colored glass charm. Of course, after a few glasses, who the hell cares anyway.
And then there was the Creme De la Creme.....one of those "As Seen on TV" products...SMOOTH AWAY, removes hair instantly and pain-free. Marie stops and says - HEY, this thing WORKS! I say "Marie---I need something to work on the excess testosterone that pops out via my chin hairs."IT DOES she replied. One thing that I have warned my husband and children is that if I am bedridden, whether or not I am out of it, DO NOT, and I repeat (Larry, are you reading this?) LET ME GROW A BEARD LIKE OLD LADY WOODSTOCK IN TOWN. I WILL come back and haunt you ALL.
At 30% off I figured, what the heck, and you KNOW that as soon as I walked in the door I put the thing together and tried it out. After use, I felt like I had hit my chin with a belt sander. Ah yes, it does say in the fine print "gently exfoliates while removing hair". But it worked, and my chin was as smooth as a baby's ass.....albeit a little red....
I am not so sure I will try it out on the uh, bikini line, even though it shows a photo of a bikini bottom on the front of the box. Somehow I think she HAS to wear a bikini bottom, because if she used that on her coochie, I suspect she HAS to hide the damage done to it.
I won't get into the Pier 1 visit, where I found the perfect red couch. Let's just say, I did enough damage for one day.
Patti O Buyer
PS you have to watch the Smooth Away video....lol