Sunday, August 09, 2009

Re-formatting my Life




Am sitting in the huge sun room in this lovely old house that I have rented in Wellfleet, out on the Cape here in Massachusetts. It is cloudy, but I don't care as I have blogs to write, notes to take, movies to watch, books to read, and canvases to prime.

The ride up was long as traffic was heavy; it took a good five hours to get here, and during that time I had a lot to process.

Somewhere on the Taconic, about 45 minutes into my trip, I got a phone call from my cousin telling me that my Aunt had passed away. Though sad, I was relieved. She had been in a comatose state since Sunday, and it was time for her to leave her body behind. I did my good cry the other night, when I woke up from a series of horrible nightmares, and all the sadness that I felt just poured out of me and I cried uncontrollably for a very long time. I cried for my aunt, for a friend who is very ill with cancer, for all of the burdens I have so gracefully carried around without a tear. The only problem was, it woke up Larry, and though he was kind about it, I know it blew his nights sleep.

While in the car, I made some decisions about my life. Saying no to things that I have done for years is going to raise some eyebrows, and maybe even lose some of the Brownie points I have been accumulating, but there are plenty of them in the bank, and frankly, I don't care.

Over the years I have been a workaholic, striving to do and be the best I can be. On some level I am still trying to win the love of my father through hard work - showing him what a good girl I am. In the end I never give to myself, and it has taken its toll on me, and the people whom I love in my life.

So today, as I sat sipping my coffee, I composed a few emails, resigning from various jobs I have taken on, and asked God/the Universe, to guide me while navigating some of the complicated situations in my life.

As Elbert Hubbard said: "to know when to be generous, and when firm-that is wisdom."

The photos: the house I have rented here in Wellfleet, the room I write in, and a lamp at Moby Dicks, where we gorged ourselves on the freshest of seafood.

Patti O Whale

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