Getting Into My Pants


My day started off with another night of sleep deprivation. At 3:10 am, the neighbor let the dog outside, and he barked till 5:30 AM. Big deep barks, about 10 feet from my window. Somewhere around 4 AM Larry went over there to knock on the door. No answer. Can't call the police, because they are useless. Been there done that, and they never show.

I think I slept 4 hours before I was awake for another 3. I slept in for a few more before I got up and started my day.

Since I could not get to yoga, I went to the gym for the first time in forever and did 1/2 hour on the elliptical, going a bit over 2 miles.

It had been SO long since I had been to a gym that my trusty Ipod was dead, and I was relegated to doing some people watching.

I check out the young woman in the skin tight tank top and low cut pants who is lifting weights like a pro. Definitely in good shape, and cute to boot.

I see a couple of middle aged men walking around the gym most of the time. They lift a weight here and there, and continue to strut talking to one another. I wondered if it was a relationship in the making.

I recognize a few people, then see an old acquaintance whose butt could serve as a serving surface for a meal. Now normally I am not "catty" but this person is the same one, who, when spotting me in my newly leased red Jetta in 1991, said "oh Patti, this is the nicest thing I have seen you drive to date". It was NOT meant as a compliment about my new hot car, but was instead a put-down of the multi-colored cars that I drove in the years of being a poor single parent.

That's OK --------- (name deleted) I think with a grin on my face. All your elitism and money STILL can't get rid of that gi-normous butt that you have been wearing the past 25 years. The bumper sticker MEAN PEOPLE SUCK flashes through my mind and I try to let it all go, as I don't like remembering the pain that I suffered in that other lifetime.

I go home and quickly shower as Karen is coming over to do a photo shoot of her art work for a show that we both want to be in. While I am getting dressed, I pull on my most beloved jeans, the pair Lois bought me in Pirate's Alley in New Orleans the spring before Katrina hit.

I love these jeans, the ones that make my ass look great, and fit like they were custom made for me. As I do the customary "yank them up over my hips by the belt-loops hike", I hear a clear RIP. I have nearly torn off the loop, and left a hole that shows my skivvies. OH NO, I groan.

After dropping off the submission, Karen and I head to a shop that has been in Woodstock for at LEAST 35 years.

SALE.

Oh good. I need some new jeans. I flash back to 1972 when I bought one of my first pairs of Levis in Woodstock....

I go into the store and see brands like LUCKY and others that I don't recognize. I go over to the sale rack, and they are on sale for 99.00. YIKES. Yet I try some on, but they are so low that 4" of my low cut undies show.

"Don't you have anything higher cut?" I query. "Yes", the sweet young salesgirl responds. "How much are THEY?" I ask. "169.00" she coyly replies.

I gasp, and flash to a scenario where a kid accidentally gets paint on my pants.
I don't even bother to try them on, remembering the 15.00 pair that I bought a lifetime ago in the very same spot.

I think I will go to Marshalls, where for 100.00 I can buy at least 3-5 pairs for the same amount. Maybe they aren't Lucky (yeah, Lucky for the company that gets the big bucks for a name) but they are fine enough for me.

The measure of a woman isn't the tag on her jeans!

Patti O No Name!

Comments

annie kelleher said…
amen sister!!! somehow i knew when you mentioned favorite jeans that fit REALLY well, the story wasn't going to end happily. i had a pair like that... they were white... fit like a glove but didn't feel it ..... so not only did they look painted on they were comfortable. i loved them. they were white. nuff said. and yeah... aren't some of hte word verification things bizarrely on target sometimes??? :)
Melissa Harris said…
oh dear. Yes, Mean pple suck. Just remember her karma.... he hee

Jeans- funny, Kent bought me something at an expensive shop a year or so ago that I knew i wouldn't wear. As I often do, i went in to exchange his gift (he is used to it by now). I bought a pair of $180 jeans. I still can't believe I paid that much for them, BUT it's true, they fit better than any I have ever had. Then because I save them only for "special occasions" i went and got a similar pair for $24 at Fashion bug and they droop in the crotch but look almost as good. I guess it's true you get what you pay for, but we pay for what we can - eh?

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