Blogger is having some major issues affecting my ability to post this blog and photographs for my art blog since last night. I feel like I am going through withdrawal, unable to communicate to my mostly silent audience. I know you are out there, my stat counter says you are, (I don’t know who you are for the most part----big brother doesn’t give me that info!) but knowing you ARE out there makes me feel connected to a network of people who find interest in my jumble of words and images.
Of course by the time you are reading this all issues will be resolved, but in the meantime I feel very lonely typing away in Microsoft Word.
I knew once I got back I would have to step back into the world of reality; messages from the nursing home about my mother, another appointment needed with the doctors there tomorrow morning. I know that my future holds some really tough times; such is life at my age. Friends pass, parents fade, and even my own child lives day to day not knowing what the future holds. Something tells me that I will be the ONE, the one who holds trembling hands, the one who listens to the crippled whispers of last wishes and carries them out, and tucks the memories of the dead in my heart. I live each day with wild abandon, gathering peace and many tools to carry out my mission.
Megan just called in labor for the 40 millionth time in two months, but this time she thinks that it is the real thing and called me for advice as to what to do. 900 miles away on a miracle of fiber optics I tell her to get Alanna ready, drop her off, and go to the hospital. Something tells me she won’t be going back home. Last time I was the one who held the pan while she threw up in the middle of hard labor, I was the one who cut the cord of life to her baby. Now she has a husband, and I am glad he will be there for her. But I do miss my role as crone and mother, helping my daughter bring a new life into the world.
I muse about the constant cycle of life and death, and wonder about birth and rebirth. How many times have I come this way I wonder? Am I doing it right this time?
Today I got a confirmation about my enrollment in the Creative Arts Retreat at the Blue Cliff Monastery. I loved the ending quote on the email, “A lotus for you - A Buddha to be”
In Peace and Love
Patti O Zen