My head is pounding, my blood pressure is way up. I don't know if it is the stress or the need for the adjunctive medication that I stopped taking. My feet are still swelling, and my eyes have turned into a tidal pool of salty tears.
I need a cocktail. You know, one of those martini and Valium cocktails that set you right down on your ass so that you feel the sorrow but you can't show the pain because though you can function, albeit a bit tipsy, you are numb on the inside.
My mother is very ill, I was over at the nursing home last night after I got the phone call that she was in and out of a deep sleep all day. I had gone over the day before to visit and spent a few hours with her, and was startled at how grey her coloring was, and saw pain etched into her face. She managed a smile or two in our one sided conversation, and she added a few grunts to let me know she understood.
But I did not think she was that close to dying, and I am not sure where in the process we stand.
I have held a dying man's hand, I have been to a myriad of wakes and funerals, including my fathers when I was a teen. I have been far enough removed from the tasks of things such as writing obituaries, arranging burials, wakes, or what clothes to dress the dead in. Someone else has had to carry that burden. But now it leans on me; I am the eldest, and by default I take the lead. I feel lost.
In talking to the doctor, they still don't know what is wrong. They may cut back her pain meds and see if she will come out of the sleeping that she is doing.
How long my mother will go on like this is unknown. I take it moment by moment, just like everything else. But a Xanax or a Valium would help. Got drugs?