Still in New York

This has been a very difficult decision to make - remaining in New York for a bit longer. Dole leaves Saturday, we won't get to see him before he leaves for a year plus tour in Afghanistan. I won't be there for my daughter who is already fragile and falling apart.

"Such is military life" I want to say to her, when she calls me crying on the phone about how sad it is that her son can't grow up with his father. But I know it isn't the right time for that and I am sure that thought has already crossed her mind many times.

To put things in perspective I told her that technology has enabled her to talk with her husband in the war zone once a week; previous wars left women wondering for years where their men were.

Still, that is of little comfort to her and I do my best to console her and promise that I will get there before school starts. We have some flexibility in time, but as the clock ticks, I feel the crunch and the anxiety of not-knowing.

The only advantage to all of this is that I have lost weight. Who wants to eat with the smell of nursing home etched into your nose hairs, seeing things that shoves our fragility as human beings in our face.

Larry has been very wonderful in all of this, as he has been through this with his mother. I have fallen into his arms sobbing hysterically, and sought solace in his wisdom. Tonight he is going to take me over to see her again, even though I said goodbye to her yesterday, both of us crying.

I ask for a sign.....for what to do, and I wait for it. In between the phone calls and the deep periods of silence that I have elapsed into, I try and take good care of myself. A several mile walk with a friend, forging ahead in getting ready for my art show. I actually got three pieces framed today, have two more frames for some other work, and that seems to lighten the load a bit.

May the suffering end.


The artwork is a digital piece titled "Catskill Spirits"


annie kelleher said…
i am so sorry to read of your struggles with your mom... my heart breaks for your beautiful daughter and her children. i wish you all blessings, peace and love. we are not that far from each other... .maybe some glorious autumn day when the sun is shining and the leaves are copper and the river sparkles like silver... we might meet for lunch...
Although I am so far away, I think of you and your family everyday. You are not alone and are very loved. I wish for peace for all of you, though each in their own way.
Muchos besos siempre.

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