On Being a Geekess


Another night of poor sleep. If it isn't hormones, it is a severe thunderstorm, or major power surges and outages all night long. I had to get up early as I had a therapy appointment at 10 AM, and it was not a moment too soon.

It was a dark and stormy morning (envision Snoopy writing this) and I felt rather gloomy. Let's face it-its been a tough week. I am trying to prepare my self for a new life in the world, while I am looking at my elders preparing themselves to leave. And there are all the things that fall in between

I started crying in the car on the way to Peg's, and looked in the mirror.
I freaked myself out as the blue of my eyes had turned almost black, and the whites were bright red. Somewhere a little voice came to me telling me that I was so beautiful when I cry, (think that was Peg) and I talked back saying: "YOU MUST BE FUCKIN' NUTS!" I looked like something out of Dawn of the Dead.

I had the most soothing session, and met up w/Annie to go and look at cars. Her Acura is in bad shape, and she needed a friend to go with her on the car adventure. Having been there recently, she thought I was a good tag-a-long candidate. And, after feeling so heavy, what could be easier and more fun than to test drive a few cars. Save for the moments when we could not get the key out of the car she had borrowed, and then lost very same key (to be found later in Subaru that we test drove.)

She took me to lunch at the Terrapin Bistro, where we sat outside talking over the din of the traffic on Route 9.

In the midst of the 10,000 things that we talked about, we discussed how beautiful we were when we were young and how we thought we were ugly. Man, I wish I had the power and knowledge of now in the body of 20 plus years ago. What I could have done with that. Now we are older, we realize what we had, but also realize that we have to accept all that has happened as part of our journey, and how it is has molded us into what we are now, the person whom I am fairly comfortable with. And so be it.

In keeping with this theme, the other day I was swimming in the lake with Gabrielle, and I sighed and looked at my 50 year old body, bemoaning the fact that I will never again have the body of my youth. Gabrielle said "picture yourself in 20 years in a bikini, then go back to where you are now." TOUCHE I said. And I hugged myself and smiled, GLAD to be wearing my teeny bikini.

Oh and tonight's picture was one I just found while cleaning. I don't think I have seen it since it was taken, at the beginning of 7th grade. Gotta love those blue fairy glasses, and those short bangs. Ok, so I wasn't a beauty queen at 12 or 13, or even at 16...but eventually I did blossom.

Patti O Geekess

Comments

Judy Vars said…
I had some ferry blue glasses also and remember how cute I thought I looked. I have already been through what you are going through and I don't envy you at all. Being fit like you are makes it a whole lot better (in my opinion).
Self acceptance would have helped in hinesight.
Read my answer to your comment on my blog it might seem a little morbid but I think you will understand. Judy

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