Happy F-in Holidays
I wrote an entire post today which I posted to draft, but when I pulled it up to edit, it had totally deleted itself. It was probably a good thing as it got too personal, and the universe decided it was merely an exercise in sublimation.
But the holidays are a good time for all the DYSfunctionality to come out of any family, and I mean ANY family.
This year the universe has decided to duel with me again. I am having some deep family issues in spite of my investment in years of therapy, many Al Anon and ACOA meetings, all the self-enlightenment and meditation I do. I still feel the STING of the sword as it goes straight for the jugular.
It reminds of many disappointments, of my ex ruining the holidays with his drinking and inevitable violence, and then the kids....the trips in the snowstorms to and from the psych ward for Christmas Dinner, the holidays where they were home for a "trial visit" from residential, the nights of wondering why they didn't call, and if they were dead on the side of a road, my mother who refuses to leave the nursing home now....
I tried not to cry today, but I had the inevitable meltdown. I saved it for the end of the day, when co-workers asked if I was OK after observing me teach a few periods without talking (a difficult feat). I had to explain what all the black specs were floating around my eyes during my eye exam, I melted down before I went into the bank listening to a song by Ryan Adams, and Walgreens got christened for the second time, tears flowing profusely while walking down isle no. 3.
But I always look to what calms me. A call to Larry. A drive by to my girlfriends where we sampled a bottle of Beaujolais nouveau. Home to what comforts me - mashed potatos and a warm bed.
And my blog, a place where I can let some of it hang. And hope that my family will someday find peace.
Patti O Feliz Navidad
But the holidays are a good time for all the DYSfunctionality to come out of any family, and I mean ANY family.
This year the universe has decided to duel with me again. I am having some deep family issues in spite of my investment in years of therapy, many Al Anon and ACOA meetings, all the self-enlightenment and meditation I do. I still feel the STING of the sword as it goes straight for the jugular.
It reminds of many disappointments, of my ex ruining the holidays with his drinking and inevitable violence, and then the kids....the trips in the snowstorms to and from the psych ward for Christmas Dinner, the holidays where they were home for a "trial visit" from residential, the nights of wondering why they didn't call, and if they were dead on the side of a road, my mother who refuses to leave the nursing home now....
I tried not to cry today, but I had the inevitable meltdown. I saved it for the end of the day, when co-workers asked if I was OK after observing me teach a few periods without talking (a difficult feat). I had to explain what all the black specs were floating around my eyes during my eye exam, I melted down before I went into the bank listening to a song by Ryan Adams, and Walgreens got christened for the second time, tears flowing profusely while walking down isle no. 3.
But I always look to what calms me. A call to Larry. A drive by to my girlfriends where we sampled a bottle of Beaujolais nouveau. Home to what comforts me - mashed potatos and a warm bed.
And my blog, a place where I can let some of it hang. And hope that my family will someday find peace.
Patti O Feliz Navidad
Comments
((((((Love)))))
You are surrounded.
God bless and Merry Christmas anyhow!
A.