The Doctor Visit

OK, so here I will go again educating you. We have discussed endoscopys, endometrial biopsies, hysteroscopies, and now I am going to talk about the health of the colon. Please feel free to ask me questions at any time should you too someday have to go through any of these tests.

I met the nurse practitioner at my gastroenterologist's office. I liked her too. A bit older than I, very well versed and proceeded just the way I had in mind. I like the "lets go from simple to more complex/invasive route". I have been to too many other doctors who jump to the LET'S TAKE OUT THE ORGAN, before they even knew 100% what was up with it.

We decided on the stool sample. Now this is just a charmer of a test. When you do it on little babies or toddlers (for suspected lactose intolerance or parasite infection which can very easily be picked up at the beach or swimming..) they at least have a diaper to work with. All you need is that diaper full, a poopsicle stick, and the bottles. But when you are older, and not in Depends yet, it becomes a little bit difficult. Since the "poop" can't be fished out of the toilet as it can't touch water, you have to figure out a way to get it. The way I did it last time was to line the toilet with a layer of saran wrap or a garbage bag. I think I have those industrial bags under the kitchen sink, the giant ones that will go over the entire toilet. (wheels are turning right now)
Of course I will glove up, and probably take the sticks and tape a few together to make them longer. The further away I am from this lurid stuff the better. I am quite appalled that the human body can produce such noxious waste. Once I get it into the FIVE different bottles what will have my name on them in red Sharpie marker, (or maybe I will go lime green or teal) I have to transport them back to the lab.

The last time I had to do this, (the time I contracted Giardia with my girlfriend in Raleigh!)I packed them very nicely in a pretty shopping bag to return them to the lab. One of No.2's (hahaha) friends was there. "What's in the bag, Patti?" he queried. I shook it up a bit and with a nasty grin on my face, I said....."MY SHIT" He had a better sense of humor than #2, so we both got a good laugh. I am thinking that this time I will transport in a Victoria's Secret bag.

I will probably have to call in late to work tomorrow. I can't imagine having to do all of this and get the stuff to the lab and be on time, especially if I stop by Monkey Joes for a double shot of espresso to get me jump started. I am already in deep doo doo about setting off the fire alarm; I wonder what they will say if I have to tell them I am dropping off some shit on Broadway.

There are a few candidates for this horrid affliction...parasites, or worse than that, a bacterial infection, and the grisly C-Diff was mentioned, and considered, especially since my mother has had it for a long time in the nursing home--and it is highly contagious and difficult to "kill", thus many people who have been in a nursing home or hospital can contract it. I have proceeded to gross myself out...not easy to do, upon researching this baterial infection.

But let's not go there.....if all is clear, then I will get to report on one last procedure....a camera up the arse. Let's see, the only orifices left then for me will be my nose and my ears.....

Traveling around the body,
Ms Patti O ...who is off to wash her hands for the 10,000th time.


Alright seriously - I am ready to just say I love you and call it a day!

I love your candor, wit and the fact that your sense of humour has not left the building!

Keeping you in the light!!!

Holy carp - word verification - Messe - talk about premonition!
annie kelleher said…
aw, patti - im thinking of you :).. xoxox... annie
Patti Gibbons said…
OH THAT IS TOO FUNNY...word verification from Dawn...MESSE....
oh yeah baby. Ya gotta laugh. What the f--- else are you going to do?
First time in my life I ever heard a doc say DON'T EAT RAW FRUIT OR VEGGIES AND NO YOGURT!!!

I am hearing a song...I think it is from the Band...Oh, you don't know the shape I'm
Jennie said…
Oh Patti,
I'm catching up on your blog and had no idea you were under-going so much. I do feel for all of your issues and love how you're trying to laugh through the pain. I have endometriosis (I'm sure I spelled that all wrong) and am in perimenopause. Until 3 weeks ago I loved the fact that I had it all under control but then the flood gates opened. I'm now a hormone, hot flash, crazy woman and can't eat enough chocolate chip cookies.

I am considering a move to California though if pot gets legalized! ha ha ha

Take care of yourself,
loelbarr said…
hangin in there with ya, sweetie...
Andrea said…
Hey Patti,
You need something like this:
Just stick in a bag, and you're ready to go! (Sorry about the huge link).
Word verification: "fookp"--make of that what you will.
loelbarr said…
advice for next time: skip the toilet. Sit on the edge of the bathtub, hang your butt over, and poop onto newspapers. Pretend you're a puppy. (once upon a time my toilet was broken...I'll say no more.)

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