Fast Cars, Goddesses, and Pomegranate Necktar
Mother's Day is always a weird day for me. In the past there have been some bad things that happened on Mother's Day. There have been times where neither one of my kids called me, and I hate to say it, usually one out of two does something to really annoy me, and I bet you can guess which one.
Megan had sent me gifts and a card during the week, and called me first thing in the morning. She was up way earlier than I was, but it was fine, I woke up to talking to her and Alanna, and sipping on the coffee Larry brewed for me in bed.
As the day went on, I was feeling ill, so I went back to bed till 2 pm. I awoke to my son calling me to wish me Happy Mother's Day. He asked what we were doing, and I invited him to dinner. 6 PM. He then said "I had no money to buy you a gift" which is a line I have heard over and over. I bit my tongue to keep from saying," if you threw a few bucks in a tin a week for a few weeks, you could come up with enough to buy an 8.00 bouquet of tulips instead of buying beer, cigs, or whatever else you spend your money on". But I didn't say that, I just said: "I have come to not expect anything Will - see you at 6, unless plans change for you, then give me a call" 24 years old...he lives at my ex's parents house for free, we gave him a car....how many bills can he have???? And he works full time. Long story short, he never showed for dinner.
My son does not read this, as I doubt he has any interest in what I do. He may accuse me of the same. We do not have a great relationship; he holds grudges about our past, and about some of the things I had to do in order to keep him safe. Once my daughter and I were in a similar spot, but we have talked about and mended much of our past, and moved on. For that I am most grateful. But this open wound still makes me very uneasy, especially around the holidays when something always seems to explode. (for those of you who have lived with addicts, you know this all too well.)
Then there is the visit to my mother in the nursing home. Every Mother's Day there is less and less of her. Now she no longer gets out of bed. She cannot talk, so I do most of the communicating. I bring her tulips and a crucifix from a church in Valencia. I tell her about life, and spend time with her, even though my inner self is screaming to run out of there FAST. It is depressing to go there, people in wheel chairs in every kind of physical state, drooling, talking to themselves, even chasing after me. The smells get to me, as does the general depression in this place. Even though it is situated on the majestic banks of the Hudson River, the place looks like just another institution, just in a pretty setting.
In addition, my hormones are raging to boot, so I spent some time crying in the car on the way there.
How do I keep myself from jumping over the bridge that I so love? Today I put the top down, even though it was a bit cool and windy. The wind dries tears as soon as they form... I found a few straight a-ways that I drove 80 mph. I have a fast car, but being such an obedient citizen, I don't usually break the law. Today was an exception and I prayed that the Troopers were too busy spending the day with their mothers to notice. Plus I had put on my invisible suit..so I felt safe.
When I got home, Larry had made dinner. A beautiful fresh salad, my favorite pasta dish. Wine. He makes this every year for me, this man who isn't even the father of my children. He has presents...he always makes up for the lack of what I don't get from others....two large canvases to paint on, an LARGE bottle of PAMA, a Pomegranate Liquor. And last, but not least, a beautiful carved goddess, whom I have dubbed this Mother's Day as the Goddess of Elimination. I think she will go into the bathroom that is almost finished being remodeled. I love her. I joke about the advantage of being a little bit of a mama to my man.
I end this day full of good fresh organic food, and some nectar of the gods. I have bought joy to my mother's life by my visit, I have felt the wind in my hair and it is OK to feel the sting of salt in my eyes. I have the love of my children, even if they haven't figured out how to come to terms with it. And my husband. He is a gem....like some superhero, he always saves the day.
Patti O Mother