Life is always interesting....

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Tomorrow I am doing a small home sale with my friend Bardet. It has been crazy from the very start. I had the wrong day, so I had to work like mad to make some new things, then this morning I get a call at 6:30 am that my daughter is in the hospital. I now have the baby tonite and tomorrow. How am I going to pull THIS one off? Part of me says, FORGET IT, the other part of me says HAVE FAITH AND JUST DO IT.

I went to see Megan this morning before I went to work as I was afraid that she might go into surgery without my telling her I was sorry about our little disagreement the other day and that I loved her. She looked all sad with a naso-gastro tube coming out of her nose. I went back again to see her tonite. She was the same only more so -just with a bit more morphine pumped into her. The doctors are going to do an endoscopy to see if they can see anything wrong. Her stomach apparently has closed up at the bottom and there is some sort of blockage not allowing her food to pass into the large intestine. They said it is either nerves or from trauma (am getting to that in a bit) and if it does not open by tomorrow they will do surgery.

I asked her about the trauma. How did she ever get trauma to her stomach? She looked at me and said "when I flew out of the Humvee in Iraq" The force was so hard that it had herniated her diaphram but by the time they found out about it there was nothing she could do. It has healed but perhaps this is a continuation of that trauma. I guess I won't know till they do more tests. She is such a sick child and it makes me so sad. I don't know how much of it is stress, bad genes, or from her stay in Iraq. So much is wrong w/her and we know so little.

I had therapy tonite and it was very important that I went. It was painful, but I know the importance of pain now for the process of healing and try and salvage my relationship as mother to my children. I am not angry about my life; I am just sad for MY children that I had such poor role models as parents and was so abandoned and abused as a child. How do you parent effectively with love when you don't know what that is?

The beauty of life is that I still have time to right the wrongs of my parents by working on me and giving what I can to my children NOW. My parents did not have the opportunities to ever try and make right the wrongs. My father died when I was a teen and not long after that my mother drank herself to a stroke which left her even more of a shadow in my life. I have been without parents myself my entire life, whether by neglect or by death and disability.

I don't feel sorry for myself, I just want to heal. I want to love. I want to grow. I am doing it, but the road is rough.

Please keep Megan in your thoughts and if you live in my city, my sale with BE SWEET is from 2-7 at 300 Dunneman Avenue.

I will let you know how all turns out! xxxpatti

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