Into the Maelstrom

Today was tumultuous whether is was emotion or the weather. I felt that it was a metaphor for the journey I am about to embark upon.

I woke up angry this morning. I had another dream which did not end so well. I hate when I wake up with the remants of nightmares clinging to me like the webs of a spider.

My day ended with therapy and it was a tough session. A session about sickness and helplessness and the possibility of death and loss on many levels. I did not want to hear it. I wanted to put my fingers in my ears and sing the entire time to myself. Though it is not Peg's style to project, nor mine for that matter, there were certain things that I needed to face as things at home are quite unstable and fragile. I had gone in so glib and strong, and left out frail and damp.

On the way home I witnessed a horrid storm over our city. I never saw lightning that went horizontally, ripping through the sky at a frightening pace. There were tornado warnings across the river from us. It was beautiful and scary and I felt mezmerized by its violence. I was entering the twilight zone, not knowing what awaited me on the other side.

I arrived home to a phone call from my daughter. Her ex is stalking and harassing her and the police have become involved again. She is not staying at her house tonite; the police suggested that while they look for him she get out of town with the baby. The court date is wednesday. She is sick enough without this. It brings up all the dreck from my other lifetime and it sucks.

I sat in the driveway for a while and cried. Sometimes when I look up at the stars I feel so very alone in a world that is spinning out of control. I have to remember to accept the things that I cannot change, and change what I can. I have to remember to reach out to friends when it gets too black to see things clearly and in perspective.

I am thankful that I can blog and let go here. It is cathartic putting my feelings to the "paper". It also gives my friends some perspective as to why I don't call or why I am not in the mood to talk or go out.

And lest you get the wrong idea about me---I am a very positive person who is so valiently trying to stay connected to the universe and see and accept the whys and hows of how things work. I put vast amounts of love into the world and want to connect to the spirit greater than I. The rough parts in life make us stronger and more complete, and with each step I feel I am going towards the light,the warmth, and love of the divine. It is just a tough journey getting there.

I took the photo in my yard one night. I tossed it around in photoshop a bit tonite. It still does not quite fit the image in my head, but I have to finish packing for my show, so this is a good as it gets.

Breathe deep........ p.