Early this morning on my way to work, I felt upbeat and good. The last few days were decent, and I felt like maybe I had climbed out of the hole a bit, and my soul felt lighter. Light enough to almost fly. As I was driving to work I could taste the wind on my face and wanted to strap on my skis or roller blades as they are the closest possible experience I could have to flying. My aching ankle reminded me that I am still not ready to do that, and I wondered what else I could do to mimic that rush.
The feel of the wind and the speed of the skis and skates are a adrenaline shot for me. I don’t skydive, I am leery of small aircraft, and I much prefer the contact of the earth beneath my feet. I am a slight daredevil on my skis, though I have done some stupid things that left me gasping for air or breaking a bone. One bad case of road rash while trying to skate like the wind reminded me I am not a bird, and that hitting the pavement at my age is not fun.
As a child I flew all the time in my dreams; I still do, but not as often. I love when I fly; the last time I did I soared over the Catskills and the Shawangunk ridge over Mohonk. I have left the earth's atmosphere into other realms in my nighttime flights. I remember the dreams vividly. As a child I was flying to escape danger; as an adult I fly to feel the wind and view the earth and explore other realms.
Unfortunately my lightness of spirit came crashing down like Icarus this afternoon. I called Megan after her chemo and got some bad news. I won't go into detail here, her blog has the info, but I came tumbling down hard. In my dreams I have crashed to the earth, waking me up from a sound sleep as I make contact. But as I crash, I realize this is no dream.
I have slipped back down into the hole, my fingers grasping on anything upon which to take hold. A ray of sunlight, a hug from a friend, music, a memory. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, so the usual comfort food of potatoes was not an option.
I have the baby tonight so I must be cheerful. It broke my heart when we went to leave Megan's apartment and Alanna got upset. She tried to explain that she was sick and needed to sleep and she would see her in the morning. Alanna knit her brows together and asked if she were going to the hospital. I could not cry as I had to be strong for them, but inside another piece of my heart was ripped out and tossed in the air.
The artwork tonight is an antique print titled Ganymede. Myth has it that Zeus fell in love with him and snatched him from the earth by transforming himself into an eagle. Other mythology has it that Eos captured him to be her lover, and Zeus made a deal with her (which backfired) in order to obtain Ganymede. None of the stories end well; poorly planned deals, jealousy, revenge....and there are several theories as to the allegorical meaning to the myth. For myself, it just represents desire gone amuck, and the woman once again losing to the power of a man.