Today is Whatever....

I was rummaging through Larry's CD's last night when he was not here, as I knew I had tons of time to download ones I wanted to the computer and burn myself some new music for the studio. It isn't that he doesn't mind that I do it, but there is this unspoken territory about his books, his music, his things in general. Most of the time I respect it and have hands off, but sometimes I can't help but ransack his music. Sorry Larry, the cat is out of the bag.

On the shelf was Beth Orton. I have enjoyed some of her music in the past, so I knew this was the one. The CD is Central Reservation, and it rocks. I have listed to it a few times now, and her lyrics, combined with her rich and throaty voice, make for really intense listening. One of the lines that struck me was "today is whatever I want it to be". It made me stop and think. I put the paintbrush down, sighed, and really wished it was that easy. Though I live in my life as an active participant, and believe that I can indeed make SOME THINGS my own reality, there are things I cannot control. I thought of the serenity prayer - may I find the wisdom to change what I can, and to know what I need to leave the hell alone. I have made a few blunders recently and know that I should not try so hard. Some things need to come to me in their own time.

I enclosed more studio pictures. They are of a self portrait I did for a gallery a few years ago. Someone wanted to buy it; she collected mannequins. But this was not just a mannequin, this was my life and my heart. I was relieved when she said it was a bit more than she could afford. I am not for sale. And if you want me, be prepared to pay a nice sum. LOL. I modeled the dress after one I have and made the jewelry, dried the flowers that adorn me from the garden, and every single piece of paper has deep meaning to my life. I did not have enough time or space to post pictures of all of it, but it is quite a sculpture that adorns my studio.

I have another one to do, this one I want to do of my daughter. I am not sure if I can do it now....emotions are raw already and I am not sure I can face the story I need to tell about her. Perhaps it will be easier if I let her help me. But I know the nude form keeping me company will be of her...and I will have a pair that will always be kept togther to tell our story.

I am tired and need a nice hot bath. But first cat litter must be scooped and then perhaps I will be able to relax. It is quiet here, Larry is not home.....I will light some candles, sink low down in tub and repeat "tomorrow is whatever I want it to be" and pray there are no roadblocks.




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