I Must Have Done Something Good

Remember that song from the Sound of Music, Something Good., where Maria and the Captain were singing together....

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood,
Perhaps I had a miserable youth.
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must've been a moment of truth.
For here you are, standing there,
Loving me.
Whether or not you should.
So, somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.
Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

That was one of the few movies I saw in childhood, and one that still to this day, makes me smile. It perhaps was one of the great influences in my young pubescent life for romantic dreams and fantasies, my love for great romantic films, and tales with happy endings.

This song has been running in my head over and over ever since I had a melt down in our local arts building, and Vindora, my friend, fed me and cheered me up and told me that the society was putting on a benefit for my daughter to help raise money for her struggle with cancer and supporting a baby. Then my two art friends, Jonathan Talbot and Loel Barr, built a website (http://meganaid.com) for Megan for donations. People have been hearing about the benefit, emailing me, sending money and asking how to help.

I have been overwhelmed with all this kindness and outpouring from my friends and the community which I have lived in for years. The little demons in my mind whisper that we are not worthy of such love and giving. My friend from Louisiana wrote me the other night and said "You idiot, It is just all that goodness that you spread over the years is coming back to you. I love you so dearly and cannot understand why you just don't get it."

I thought about it for a while, and it saddened me to think that I would even question my worthiness. After all, I have spent my entire life trying to give love and be loved, and now, that I am getting an outpouring of love from those who care, I question it.

I closed my eyes, and understood who planted the seeds of self doubt and unworthiness. They are not in my life anymore, whether through death or divorce, and I need to put those demons to rest.

So here you are, loving me, and I thank you all and love you back a hundred fold.
You will never know how deeply I am moved and how your collective hearts are keeping me away from the edge.

In gratitude and love, Patti


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