Life Interrupted

Just when I think I have life figured out, and think it makes perfect sense, WHAM, I get hit upside the head with reality, with history, and a heavy heart. Two steps ahead, three back. It is a wonder we ever move forward at all.

I try and be very optimistic, and in fact, I am. I have to be in order to survive. Overall I believe in love, in goodness, in purpose. But things happen that make me examine all of it and force me to re-adjust the course I am on, re-think my purpose, my past, my future.

My day was full of mixed emotion. A tough teaching day full of intense challenges. I worked late, came home, threw down my stuff and plunked myself in front of the computer and stared at it for a while. I started a poem which though in its formative stage, has potential. Recently I gave my therapist the latest poem I wrote. She read it, made a few sounds, put it down and asked "do you write like this often?". I told her that my poetry comes from a place so raw, so intense, and I have tried to keep my life on an even keel so as not go to that place where words take form and tumble out for others to see. I have written poetry for many years and received many kudos for what I have written from professors, artists, writers et. al. But I have kept it a secret, well hidden. The words on the page make it too real.

My thoughts and writing were interrupted by a knock on the door. I opened it, and my cousin was standing there. He has never been to visit me before. I was rather shocked. I invited him in and we spent an afternoon with a bottle of wine sharing family secrets, stories, and concerns. Some were enlightening, some were painful, some created little earthquakes, but I was glad that he had taken the time to find me. Two souls searching for peace and healing in an Irish Catholic family laden with secrets, abuse, mental dysfunction, and alcoholism, that I can only liken to Frank McCourt's Angelas Ashes or Tis. (of course we were lucky, we did not live in the poverty that he did...but there are some similarities for sure)

Out of tonights revelations, I considered myself a miracle. I had risen above what I left behind and created myself over. I am well grounded, and aware of the demons that chase me, and not afraid to face them. Though some of the issues are very saddening, like the poor state of my father's two sisters, they were not my issues.

Still, I can't help but be sad for them and a bit sad for my old self. But I am glad for the life ahead, even if it takes more steps than I planned.

Tonight's card makes me think of this blog.
in peace and love .....patti