Apples to Apples

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I am in a real funk tonight. I have been keeping it very together under great duress for weeks now, and the other day I started crumbling; a few minor bits and pieces altering the smooth fascade.

It started when my family doctor of many years saw me in her office for a routing BP check, and asked about Megan, whom she had treated for 20+ years. I told her in medical terms, keeping it cool and factual, but when she asked how Will was, a switch was flipped and tears rolled down my face.

In all the illnesses and heartache I have had in my life I had never cried in front of my doctor. But I am not the old me anymore, and I felt and acknowleged the sadness and grief I have been holding in for weeks.

Lynne has alwasy been a wonderful doctor, and she holds a dear place in my heart. She shoots straight, has empathy, and is a wonderful gift to her patients. I have so much respect and I honor her.........and I need to tell her that.

I went home and cried. I needed to do that. But a friend was coming to pick me up, so I shook it off and made the best of the evening.

Tonight I had another small meltdown. A few drinks with a friend who told me a story about a Christmas shopping with her family, and about how her son and her husband met Megan and they were both visibly struck by her beauty.

It is a double edged sword. My heart aches, and I mean physically aches, for my daughter whose beauty is tainted by the horrors of war, and a pernicious disease. In my raw state I saw my own mortality, seeing my spirit in her beautiful face, and seeing myself so many years ago..and I empathize and ache for her even more, and feel sorry for myself in some sappy way.....struggling with aging in all it's elements as I near 50...

We are so alike, the both of us, and sometimes it is hard to see myself in her because I know and feel the pain and the darkness with her, and have been on and still am on the search for love and validation.

I cannot help her; she needs to find her own path, just like myself. The path has been clouded by the reality of mortality at times, yet also been radiant with the joy of healing and love.

I am not feeling well tonight. My throat hurts, I am tired. I think my body is saying to "love thyself" and rest. I have learned how to listen to that little voice and say no to everything else.

I am going to cross post this to the Meganaid blog. It seems appropriate. I did post this picture of her the other night...

In quietude, Patti


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