A Pit in My Throat

I have been hard to get in touch with these days...been running wild, probably because something told me to run and play while 1) my hormones are fairly stable and 2) I had some freedom from responsibility.

I think this weeks debauchary (well, not true debauchery in the sense of the word, but it is such a good word) is a symptom of my life; totally out of control. I had fun, so I guess that is all that counts these days.

H O W E V E R I feel it all coming to a screeching halt as once again our worlds are spinning out of control and being altered as I type.

Megan is really sick. She passed out last night from pain and fell flat on her face, put her teeth through her lip, etc. She called the doc who does not want her alone. The chemo is toxifying her brain they said, and she is in bad pain from the radiation. She has morphine when it gets too bad.

The docs have found another spot near her rectum. They are trying to move the colonoscopy to tomorrow because of wednesday's weather, and want the results immediately sent to Sloan. The ante is being upped.

She and Dole came over to bring me Alanna for a few nights. I was not prepared to see how ill and in pain she was. She could barely walk. I refused to let them see me cry. It would do no good anyway....and Alanna needs to see joy in her life, she has already seen too much pain and illness for such a little child.

I feel like I have a bit pit stuck in my throat at times. It is mostly sadness and fear. Sometimes I can't breathe and I feel like I want to run and hide under the blankets and never come out, hoping that when I awake, I find it has all been a bad dream.


Patti