A Difficult Evening

Today was Larry's birthday. I tried to make it joyful and light, but I think I failed. How could it be successful after today?

I have been remiss in disclosing my source of angst the past week. I could not deal with it, and it give me insight on how my daughter has not been able to deal with it. Thank God I had therapy tonight. Though it hit me in the head and heart with such force, the facts and the plan were necessary.

I broke down a few times today. I tried not to do it in front of my students. But how was I to cope?

Last week my daughter informed me that she has a cancerous tumor. She is quite ill, the tumor is in a place they can't operate. They can't do radiation as she won't be able to eat and she weighs not much more that 100 lbs as it is now. She is 22, has a 2 year old and has been sick ever since she came back from Iraq. Enough said about that. No sense on blaming anyone at this point. The story is complex and I don't have the energy to tell it right now. I do know that my world is rocked, and I know her world is too. At my age my father was dead from cancer. My aunt has bone cancer and is eeking out a life. Why a 22 year old? If cancer were her only disorder......but it is complicated by blood disorders, mental disorders, and a few other things.

So I have wept, I have mourned, I have prayed to a God that I don't even know if I believe in, I have comforted. I know I can only take it a day at a time. I also know what my gut is telling me. I know I freak every time the phone rings and my daughter is on the other end.

This morning she called to tell me she is vomitting again. I asked her what is she going to do about it? Has she made her oncologist appointment yet? She tells me not to worry and she says there is no blood. I am supposed to be comforted.

So I drag my feet. I try and have a nice dinner. I find myself wanting to argue every point, every message. I try and find meaning and justice in the world. And I tire and I fret and I sit and stare at a lit screen while drinking wine and ginger tea. I try and kiss my husband, but there is no soul in it. He has already gone somewhere else. I don't have the energy to seek where that is.

And I hope for a better day tomorrow.


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