The Urge for Going

One afternoon while Bardet and I were sitting outside eating lunch (was it in San Anselmo??) I had an AH HA moment about my life. In a brilliant flash of light I realized that I have never lived alone. I have lived on my own since I was 19, but I have NEVER been alone.

I left my parent's home at 19 and never went back, and lived with roommates in shared housing for a few years, then moved in with my first husband, and years later when I left him, I had two babies in tow. I lived on my own as a single parent for the next 6 or 7 years, had two very brief live-in encouters with the same man, after which we split up. Time passed, I met my second husband.

For 18 years I have been the primary caregiver of my children and the primary support both mentally and financially. I worked hard to survive, finished two college degrees, and was the best mother I could be to two challenging children.

My children have left the nest for now, but life had not given neither them nor I a break.

Lately I have been craving for time alone. Sometimes I think it has nothing to do with marriage or relationships, it is that I am burned out from having people needing me in my life for so long; too many responsibilities and stresses, and I am just plain tired of dealing with people. I want my own place, and the choice of seeing whom I want when I want. There are periods of time when I am perfectly happy not seeing anyone at all.

So what am I to do?

When I get into situations like this, I ask myself...if I had a magic wand, what would my life look like? Would I be a part time wife, who had her own place in the woods, just far enogh away from the demands of life to spend alone when I got the urge for going, or would I travel for chunks of time, and come back when I was at peace with myself again?

So many questions, so many paths.

In the words of Joni Mitchell:

I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town
It hovered in a frozen sky, then it gobbled summer down
When the sun turns traitor cold
And shivering trees are standing in a naked row
I get the urge for going but I never seem to go...
...The warriors of winter they gave a cold triumphant shout
And all that stays is dying and all that lives is getting out
See the geese in chevron flight flapping and racing on before the snow
They've got the urge for going, they've got the wings to go

In musing, Patti